"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
