I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We're too hungover to prance.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
