I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
