Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
