When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
