When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
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it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
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My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.