Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
