She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..