At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
