I haven't been this sober since birth.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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