I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
