I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
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Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
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And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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