He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
