hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
