i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
