she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
