It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
