For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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