She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dicks are not precious.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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