so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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