im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
