We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
