Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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