I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
