Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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