Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
