I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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