Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
