You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
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