I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
