Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
it was like eating out sand paper
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
