Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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