your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
