i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
