if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
