you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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