i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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