I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
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Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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