What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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