forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
