Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
