that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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