I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
