you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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