i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
