This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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