somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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