was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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