Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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