You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
