Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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