i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
