My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
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My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
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Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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