Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
