WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
