I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
