Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
