New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
