I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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