there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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