there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
