You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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